By Kate Ermakova
And stayed home
Locked up in my room, the sacred place.
No breaking in
Or breaking out.
I stayed alone
I shut myself in four walls with tree windows.
Feeling depressed-opened window and thick smoke,
Pouring down my throat and embedding my lungs,
Were my only salvaging.
Who needs people when you have cigarettes?
If you do not chatter
About your problems
They do not exist.
Rejected people and thought
A very smart and mature girl
Could get away from my problems?
I thought so.
Half way through a bottle of wine
Pressing feelings with litres of alcohol.
Do you really think it will help?
I think so.
I drown my brain in red acidic liquid
Oh! Life’s beautiful!
But for how long?
Until that time your mom comes in
Trespassing the boundary of your world
Within four walls and three windows
With a disgusting smell of smoke.
And when she comes
Like I am not alone.
And I cry.
And She cries.
So we cry together.
Annotation: The poem starts with the feeling of isolation and alienation, which is such a common trait of character of a teenager. It is also a juxtaposition to the topic of my poem, together, which reinforces this term even more in the very end of it as it contrasts with the overall feeling. The ripped and torn structure reflects on the confused, unbalanced and disordered thought of a teenager. No rhyme and awkward sound coordination also reflects on the feeling of disorder and depression. Three last lines may seem a little bit confusing, BUT, the phrase “And I cry” is pretty straightforward. I cry because of my problems, inner conflicts, broken heart etc. However, the phrase “And She cries” (She is on purpose written with capital letter reinforcing the significance of mother in my life) is both literal and metaphorical. She cries with me, but not because she has lost me as her child, but because she feels my problems, she feels the same feelings as I do and with the emotions overwhelming her, she cries. So it is not because of the distance, but because of our closeness. The very last phrase implies support and care. The phrase “Four walls and three windows” was random at first, as it is actually just a description of my room at home, but then the meaning came by itself. There is only a reference to the windows, no doors or any other ways of exiting the room, which means that the only way out through the window, i.e. suicide (although it is a very loud statement, it can be considered as suicide) Four walls reinforce the loneliness. If a description of some personal objects was present than it would make the poem look as more personal and a little bit less lonely, like there is joy in life, but as the teenager does not bother about its joyful past, personal objects does not matter any more. Four walls also used very often as a reference to madness, like the most dangerous mentally ill people are usually locked up in a room with “four walls and no windows and no personal objects”. The same reflection we can see in the brief description of this room, however my character have a choice, it can escape through the window.